


Is Captain America the Worst Avenger?

by veryAverage



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Wanda Maximoff is only mentioned, just a few paragraphs really, not really a whole lot of avengers interaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 17:29:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9452303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veryAverage/pseuds/veryAverage
Summary: "If you are a god, who goes on god adventures, with your god friends, then why are you hanging out with humans? Puny mortal humans."When Steve and the gang are eating after a successful mission, just enjoying themselves, when they over hear some teenagers talking about the Avengers. They're very surprised about the topic of conversation.(aka I was watching YouTube and came across a Cracked After Hours video about Captain America being a bad Avenger and thought "hmmmm what would Steve say?")





	

**Author's Note:**

> Most of the stuff said is exactly what was said in the video that I watched, so... don't sue me?

Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton, Sam Wilson, and Bucky Barnes all walk into the small, hole in the wall diner and settle in one of the many open tables, asking if they could drag another one over to accommodate the slightly large group. It wasn’t a problem as there was only a group of teenagers and a couple sitting inside. After the flight that they had just gotten off of it was nice to just sit at talk about nothing in particular and because of their disguises they weren’t bothered by the servers or anyone else in the room, but after about ten minutes the group was quieted by Tony.

“Hey guys, listen,” Tony gestured over to the table a few paces from theirs. 

Sitting there were three guys and a girl, all seeming to be in their own world as they continued to discuss whatever it was they were talking about. It was the group of high schoolers that didn’t look like they would be friends with the way that high school works nowadays, or ever really. There was a blonde jock, a brown haired nerd with glasses, another browned haired guy who wasn’t paying attention to the conversation his friends were having, instead focusing his attention on his phone, and a girl with brown hair and glasses. Tony had a shit-eating grin on his face as he had heard more than they had, so everyone else was a little wary about their topic of conversation.

“If you are a god, who goes on god adventures, with your god friends, then why are you hanging out with humans?” the blonde tore a piece of whatever it was he was eating and put it in his mouth before muttering more to himself than his friends, “Puny mortal humans.”

The girl spoke up, “We’re still talking about Thor right?”

Sam and Clint groaned as they thought about the things they would have to listen to now that they knew they were talking about Thor. Most people couldn’t get over the fact that his biceps were the size of a normal person’s thighs, but they couldn’t leave as they had already gotten their food, and nobody wanted to go back to the Tower yet and deal with the rest of the team.

The blonde surprised them by setting his drink down harshly, “Thor is learning about human stuff, right? Thor has a girlfriend, who is a human, and he has a hard time keeping her because he doesn’t know enough about humans.”

The nerdy looking guy looked over at his friend, “Soren, Thor joins the Avengers to stop Loki, who is another god, and to clean up his own mess.”

The blonde, Soren, nods, “Then he sticks with the Avengers after that obviously because he’s studying people,” he pops another piece of his sandwich into his mouth, “he needs to know enough about humans so that he can keep a romantic relationship with one.”

The girl coos, “Thor takes orders from Captain America for love,”

Soren scoffs, “Yeah of course Katie, why else would he do it?” he muttered to himself again, “I mean Cap is an idiot.”

Everyone looked over at Steve to see him with a blush on his face as he covered face with one giant hand. Sam and Bucky looked ready to go over there and stop the conversation before it got too far, but unfortunately for the rest of the table Steve stopped them.

Katie and the nerd exclaimed in unison, “What?”

The guy on his phone finally looked up, confused by the outburst, “What?” he looked at his friends, “What did I miss?”

“How could you?” the nerd started.

“Why would you?” Katie continued, “You love Batman.”

“Love is a strong word,” Soren said dismissively before turning serious, “and strong is the very best that a thing can be.”

“Captain America is like real life Batman,” Katie started drawing the group’s attention to her, “His only powers are brains, melee combat, impossible healing, and kind of dumb throwing weapons,” she puts a finger up for every point that she makes.

The blush on Steve’s face that had almost faded had now come back ten fold. Both Bucky and Sam hadn’t lost the protective look that had crossed their faces, but didn’t seem like they were going to go over there and beat the shit out of a couple of high schoolers. Tony and Clint were struggling to keep their laughter in check as they watched Steve’s reaction to the conversation, while the only sign that Natasha was amused was the small smile that she kept on her face.

“And U.S.A.,” the guy who had been on his phone stood up while chanting U.S.A. He walked past the group without realizing that the topic of their conversation was sitting right near the door. They all could still slightly hear him as he continued to chant outside the diner, disturbing the people eating and walking by outside.

The other three looked ignored their friends behavior, “Captain America is more of an American Pride,” Katie stated.

Soren shook his head, “He’s not real life Batman. Batman knows how to use gadgets and technology after 1945,” he ran a hand through his hair and leaned closer to the table, “Look, if you’re going to be Mr. No-Powers, you don’t just take the first desk the CIA hands to you, you build a lair, a utility belt, a tank, and then a super lair.”

“Maybe he doesn’t know how to do that, huh?” Katie challenged crossing her arms defensively against her chest, “Maybe only Batman knows how to do that.”

“Right, ‘cause Batman spends all that time alone,” the nerd starts, “which is basically like a cool super power itself,” he gestures to the table, “We agree on this.”

“Whatever Dan,” Katie dismisses him.

“Captain America isn’t dumb because he isn’t a gadget guy, it’s because he wastes the gadgets guys around him,” Soren explains, “Tony Stark, who is the real Batman of real life, could make him anything he wants. He does it for his best friend, he even does it for Spider-man.”

Tony looks surprised at the fact they know about the suit he made for the Spider-Baby a couple of months ago, during their little Civil War. They’re still licking their wound from that one so it was still a bit of a sore spot to mention.

“Hey, before we get too far do you think we should bring Michael in?” Katie questions, “He’s been out there a while and I’m afraid he’s going to get arrested again.”

There’s only a moment of silence before Katie gets up and walks to the door, completely missing the fact that some of the Avengers are right next to it.

“Michael! Come on.”

They both go to their respective seats and continue.

“Even the other Captain America’s are smart enough to get good tech help,” Michael says before he’s even had the time to properly sit down, “Have you guys ever read the all new Captain America comics, where the original idea for Cap was created.”

Katie shakes her head while Dan and Soren answer “Obviously” and “Women read them to me.” Katie and Dan both peer inquisitively at Soren, but stay quiet.

“Well then you should know that the comic’s writers changed Cap to Sam Wilson. I mean Sam’s willing to use technology from after medieval times.”

“Combat drones, robotics, recorded music, the printing press,” Dan lists to himself as Soren continues over him.

“You know what, Ultron was right,” he’s met with silence, “about, okay, one thing,” he thinks it over for a second, “A few things actually, but you know it’s not important. Cap is wasting Vibranium. He uses his shield as a glorified frisbee when he could just melt that down into a bodysuit, like Black Panther, who, by the way, is another tech savvy youth who could hook Cap up.”

“We get it,” Katie says her voice annoyed, “he’s not a tech person, but he’s a leader, right? Lots of good leaders don’t understand advanced technology.”

“Like George Washington or Steve Jobs,” Dan supplies.

“Or Captain America who blew up New York City,” Soren mocks, “Aliens can land anywhere, but instead of luring TonLoki out to an empty field, he multi-9/11 New York City, costing billions of dollars in repairs.”

“Then that body count made Stark create that global AI to stop it from happening again,” Katie said her voice raising slightly.

“And then the Ultrasaurus blew up Expedia,” Michael says in excitement, making Steve glad that Wanda wasn’t currently in their presence.

“It’s Ultron and Sokovia,” Dan corrects, “and that traumatizes Helmut Zemo and also causes 117 countries to sign the Sokovia Accords, those two things combine to cause Civil War, which killed a lot of people and continues to this day,” Dan looks up in realization, “William Hurt was right, the Avengers are bad, they’re tactically incompetent, accidental super villains. And tactics is Captain America’s whole thing and he’s bad at it, he’s bad at his whole thing,” Dan visibly deflates, “Why do I kill my heroes,” he moans before burying his face in his hands.

Soren looks almost proud, “He’s also bad basic tactics too. Before the Civil War they do a stakeout in Lagos, and it’s basically a whole bunch of superheroes all over doing one job. They can’t even stop a couple of burglars driving around in a big truck, even a SWAT team could do it, why can’t Cap Team 6?” he asks leaning back in his chair.

This time the only thing stopping all of them from going over there is the fact that no one would believe them if they said the teenagers attacked first.

“Also, why is Captain America always abandoning his missions to save his brainwashed best friend? Nobody’s that boy crazy,” Katie says and both Steve and Bucky tense up, “Why is it that Sergeant Barnes is the only friend that Cap can keep track of? His Brooklyn pal isn’t Earth’s most explodiest guy.”

Michael makes a noise and lays a hand on Katie’s shoulder, “Not explodiest, Sokoviest.”

Dan lifts his head up just to murmur to Soren, “This is my worst nightmare.”

“Captain America is the least organized leader of all time,” Soren states, ignoring Dan in favor of getting another point across, “Every world government agrees to the Sokovia Accords and that’s without Cap noticing or stopping it, it would’ve been in the newspaper,” Soren looks up and raises his hands, “That’s the media of your time Steve, what’s going on?”

Dan finally raises his head, looking like he had a realization, “It’s because he’s apolitical. That makes him an even greater hero, he’s like George Washington,” when he only gets confused looks in return he starts to explain, “Captain America makes the American Spirit stronger. His tactical errors aren’t as important as how he inspires his fellow citizens.”

“His fellow citizens screw him over,” Katie counters, “He spends most of his time coaching the Scarlet Witch, and now working with Ant-man, when he should be watching his six. The feds are after him, why not show people America’s greatness by working with a government he bothers to question?”

“No but he did question it though,” Michael interrupts, “If we’re going by the comics then the events of fake Watergate happen and Captain Rogers dumps the government and becomes Nomad.”

“Thank you,” Dan says.

“Although,” Michael starts slowly, “all Nomad really did was dress in all black and fail to change the system.”

“Uh I said thank you earlier.”

“So I guess that Cap’s greatest act of rebellion is being a Hot Topics shopper.”

Katie laughs mockingly at Dan, who narrows his eyes at Michael, “Don’t you have chanting to do?”

“I think I kind of blew my wad,” Michael says ignoring the look that Katie has on her face, “No Daniel, I shan’t chant again’t. I feel like when you represant Americant you really gotta be at a 100 percant*. I mean when you embody America, as I do, you really have to nail it because everything you do is America, so if you screw it, it’s bad.”

“It is bad. It’s so bad,” Dan says distracted by whatever he was thinking.

“That reminds me, did I ever tell you guys about my semester abroad in Toronto?” Michael asks, making sure to emphasize the place.

“If you’re calling yourself Captain America, dressed like an American flag, with ties to the American military, then you are America,” Dan says looking almost excitedly at his friends, “In Cap’s list of stuff he’s learning, world politics are not on there, even though every other country would see his mistakes as an act of war, a war caused by American Aggression.”

“American aggression will only get you a night in jail, tops,” Michael says trying to get the attention back on him, “At least that was my experience in Canada.”

“Captain America thinks he has the privilege to go around the world, not knowing anything,” Dan says completely ignoring Michael, “As a result he almost starts World War III every time he suits up.”

“He’s like an ass kicking, globetrotting Donald Trump,” Katie says. 

At that Bucky stands up and stalks over to their table, ignoring the way that Steve is trying to get him to leave them alone. The four teens didn’t notice him until he was right next to their table, looking down at them with a glower on his face. They were all confused and slightly scared before they recognized his face and instantly Dan’s face turned a sickly shade of white.

“Why don’t you kids apologize for insulting a national icon for ruining his lovely meal with his bestest friends,” Tony calls out just before Bucky could open his mouth and make them die with his words.

“I refuse to apologize,” Soren says defiantly, “You shouldn’t’ve been listening to our conversation.”

“Soren, we just had a whole conversation about how Captain America was one of the worst Avengers in front of them,” Dan says, his voice lowering to a harsh whisper, “the least we could do is apologize for ruining their meal, and for calling him a form of Donald Trump.”

Soren looked like he was going to argue further before grinned, “That was a good one.”

Soren held his hand out and Katie high fived him without turning from the glowering super soldier standing at the head of their table.

Bucky growled lowly, just enough for him to gain the attention of the teenagers. Katie gave a sigh before the four of them stood up and walked over to the Avenger’s table, being trailed by Bucky.

“We’re sorry that we ruined your meal by talking about how you were, objectively, the worst Avenger, Captain America, uh, sir,” Dan said, his nervousness clearly shining through the words coming out of his mouth.

“It’s fine,” Steve said, his voice gaining an almost fatherly tone, “Just make sure that whoever it is that you’re talking about isn’t within earshot.”

“How were we supposed to know that half of the freaking Avengers were sitting a few tables away from us?” Michael said a grin on his face, “It’s not something that happens every day you know.”

“Welp, that’s enough apologizing for me,” Soren said heading towards the front counter, “I’ll just start heading out now, you guys coming?”

Katie, Dan, and Michael all nodded and went to the counter bickering about who was going to pay this time. This seemed to be a time-honored tradition as they eventually settled it and were on their way after another couple of “sorrys” thrown in Steve’s direction.

The silence that enveloped the table was louder than it ever had been before Tony opened his mouth. 

“A glorified frisbee, huh Steve?”

“Oh come on Stark,” and some groans were the general response to the comment.

**Author's Note:**

> *this is sort of a verbal joke that's best said out loud, try it
> 
> Ta-da! *jazz hands* Congratulations (sir/madam), you have just read the first thing that I've posted on this site (the first thing I ever posted anywhere was a Frozen fanfic to FF.net) All types of criticism is welcome in the comments, send me your worst.


End file.
